good news: it looks like i'm healing!

surgery is looking much much less likely. i saw the x-rays and my broken clavicle has moved down about a half-inch.


i'm slingless for now.

and ow!


(that was horrible, but i just had to write it after thinking it. my muscles are angry with me after being in the exact same position for a month.)

i'll have more info in three wweeks.

it must be the weather....

this morning felt like a texas spring.

balmy and damp just a few shades short of humid-----------------unfortunately it means that my foot and shoulder are hurting like the dickens. i'm about to grab some food so i can take half a pain med and continue working.

i look forward to having good news later today, even if that simply means i put the wraps on this super anthology. i'd say i'm 0-2 this year for special days, except for the two gifts that i received yesterday afternoon (not to mention the card and gift that were waiting for me upon my arrival at the office).

i may be sleep-deprived and broken, but i know i'm loved.

i realize that this is something only i can do.

i realize that i'm only starting to grieve.


i'm going to try to go to see his grave tomorrow after visiting with family. i don't know if i'm going to be able to do so.

aunt jac says grief hits you differently every time. does that make it okay that it's pummeling me two months after his death?

i'm exhausted and uninspired, currently overwhelmed by the clutter in my house and the sheer amount of work that must be done between now and monday at 9AM.

but i have a huge-ass bottle of water and i just took half a vicodin for my shoulder. i'm in the midst of major boot-strap-pulling and have just decided that i'm going to get this place clean by two (giving me an hour or so to "kick it into high gear" as mom used to say).

it has been a terrible string of months. though i'm mourning, it's time to stop feeling sorry for myself. the broken foot, broken clavicle, burst eardrum, papa's death, the violent rift b/w me and my family, disappointment at work...

i have an incredible network of support. i just got to spend a weekend with several thoughtful, hilarous men (though it's easy to think of some of them as boys ;.) discussing theology, volf and rorty and meaning and derrida.

when i was in need my friends and family came through for me. my younger cousin karl very graciously swapped cars with me since i can't drive stick w/ this shoulder (and kel was more than willing to rush in and reacquaint herself with a five-speed if necessary). bethy brought me crutches when i broke my foot. leah carted me to the doctor more times than i can count (i think her car and i are in stiff competition when it comes to breaking down physically). bran is, well, you know, bran. mel, d-n, UM, aunt jac and others have been a net of support that can't be summarized.

this isn't an exhaustive list. the rudds managed to get me to the doctor after i broke my foot, even though their car died just one day before. my friend and co-worker yara has been sweet and sympathetic at the most difficult times. my brother was in town when i broke my clavicle and did his share of driving (and dishes)....

i guess what i mean is, it isn't all so bad.

the only thing i've really lost is papa.

everything else will work itself out.

i have hope that things will heal. my shoulder. my family. in the meantime i'm in a sling constructed by those who love me, the honest cursing bump-shouldered me with a filthy house and all.

i can do something about the house. too bad you all aren't here to watch the one-armed woman sweep....

i'm tired.

bone-weary.


i don't even know what that means.



i hurt inside my bones, inside my blood. my cells shake a song that demands something the world cannot return: my papa.

my brain's neurons fire, triggering memories that cause salt water to gently escape the corners of my eyes.


this, a body's response to the knowledge that another's is buried in dirt, cold and silent.


everything i am wants to call and have him answer "hello" in the way that he does.

did.

in the past twenty-four hours or so i've:

frolicked about new york city
visited ground zero
stayed in a kick-ass suite at the hilton with an amazing view
dined with suneel and dan at an incredible hookah bar
ridden my first train (amtrak from penn station to new haven)
registered, but not yet picked up my materials, for this emergent conversation conference (note: conversation, not conversion) at yale

in the past couple of weeks i've:

broken my right clavicle
gotten my hair cut very short so that i can fix it with one hand
spent good long stretches of time talking to my brother
been driving my cousin's truck, as i can't shift with the bum shoulder yet


i'm looking forward to the next couple of days: theological debate, camradery, and time well-spent with brandon, who is probably waiting downstairs right now to take me to dinner :)