laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
song for right now: pedro the lion's the longer i lay here.
+ + +
personal responsibility and motivation
-- these things have come up of late in conversations with friends.
see, my mind has been working along this particular binary: irresponsible vs. responsible
i'm most certainly the former. if there is anything akin to essence or nature, i've got the slacker fuckup irresponsible disorganized inclination. the semblance of order of shnn's current life hasn't come without work.
is it that weird to think that there are two types of people -- those who naturally do what is expected for this construct of adulthood and personal responsibility? and those who don’t?
and all the interesting spaces in between -- the homeless (how many “choose” to be so? how many of them have pasts like by brother, patterns of failure and expectation?). religious folk who adopt a vow of poverty. my friends who graduated sum kinda laude and languish in the halls of the unemployed, despondent and beaten…
i've always had to fight it. i don’t always triumph. thinking back on all the elaborate excuses for late papers and missed classes, bounced check fees, confrontations with professors, the cycles of depression as the responsibilities stacked up and towered over me and i hid in bed, as though the covers could shield me from the consequences of my irresponsibility.
self-loathing crept in, penetrating even my escape sleep.
once you put something off the effort necessary to accomplish it seems to grow exponentially.
brandon suggested that i might have a peculiar form of perfectionism, which i guess kind of makes sense when you think of me struggling for hours at the computer, avoiding writing papers. Because face it, writing is *hard* -- and it’s 3am the night before the thing is due and you’ve already emailed everyone you know and taken those stupid quizzes on emode and studied vegetarianism, and seriously considered making the switch, and you’ve called your cousin in Canada and gone down the hall for a beer with joy, maybe masturbated a couple of times or cleaned your room and showered, and wouldn’t this be a good time for a pedicure! And you’re tired, exhausted from avoiding this task, and god you just want to go to bed. You can turn it in late, though that will make the grade drop and you’ll have to be embarrassed in front of the class and face the professor who you respect sooo much but it’s not enough to get you to face the fear that you may not write this one well, how’s the argument going to come and you hate this the topic and then you start doing the math -- one page per hour, this means you won’t get to sleep at all tonight!
and so you barely start an outline, brush your teeth and wash your face and tuck yourself into bed after setting the clock for early early, telling yourself that you will get up in the morning and write it, it’ll be down to the wire and you’ll be focused and pressured and it will just come out like magic.
and you end up pressing snooze for hours and sleeping through half your classes…. You skulk around campus that afternoon smoking cigarettes and praying that you don’t run into your professor because you haven’t quite formulated your excueses yet……
i still have dreams that it's that last semester in college and i'm not going to graduate. this is the most realistic dream that i have. i wake up and it takes a bit to figure out, wait, hey, i graduated. i made it. Scraped by.
--years ago, when i was in the biggest struggle for responsibility, the semester I dropped over half my classes and subsequently lost my health insurance-- I was trying to communicate the doubt and fear and concern to my type-a friend heather who started her papers early and had a place for everything in her dorm room and she just didn’t understand why i didn’t go to class. why i was sitting there complaining instead of up in my room typing away. and i got so angry and hurt because she dismissed my concerns with a pat on the knee or whatever and said “you’ll get it done.” ***
Some people just don’t get it.
And god, I wanted to be in school. what of those responsibilities that you can’t find motivation for? those are the ones that plague me right now.
the freedom and space that deconstruction (and reconstruction and choice) give me are helpful. i have to reframe things, situate them in a story so that motivation is written into the action.
this doesn't mean that i've got all my shit together. for instance, i don't have health insurance. not because i can't afford it -- it's because i haven't budgeted for it, haven't privileged it, haven't bothered. it's on that to-do list in my mind that i occasionally write down, along with a list of people i need to contact, along with the responsibilities i've put off so long that it's a chore to try to even think of them.
And so, time to sweep in, shnn her own deux ex machina, and deliver this miracle. I give you the to do list:
Call: Tim Stace Aunt Jac Vacker JC Justin Hopkins
Email: Bryan Savvy’s friends Jill Bell
Get health insurance
Plan a goddamn trip to somewhere outside the states
Fix sewing machine, make mel’s blanket (and those durn placemats! There’s $70 of fine linen in my closet waiting, shnn!)
Get oil changed
Do Something With The Solipsist
***yestereve i was conversing with a friend and he was expressing his frustration with lack of motivation and i pulled a heather on him. i’m not always such a great listener. working on that.