self deconstructing text

2008-06-09T18:43:00.001-05:00

help!

2007-12-04T14:20:00.001-06:00

2007-12-04T14:06:00.001-06:00

test

2007-08-31T05:38:00.001-05:00

testing!

2006-05-07T08:50:00.000-05:00

8th Annual Caughey Spaghetti Dinner

Saturday, May 20th
Come any time after 7PM
Bring a bottle of wine or your favorite libation
Bring the kids
Email or call for directions

2006-02-20T16:39:00.000-06:00

good news: it looks like i'm healing!

surgery is looking much much less likely. i saw the x-rays and my broken clavicle has moved down about a half-inch.

i'm slingless for now.

and ow!

(that was horrible, but i just had to write it after thinking it. my muscles are angry with me after being in the exact same position for a month.)

i'll have more info in three wweeks.

2006-02-15T11:38:00.000-06:00

it must be the weather....

this morning felt like a texas spring.

balmy and damp just a few shades short of humid-----------------unfortunately it means that my foot and shoulder are hurting like the dickens. i'm about to grab some food so i can take half a pain med and continue working.

i look forward to having good news later today, even if that simply means i put the wraps on this super anthology. i'd say i'm 0-2 this year for special days, except for the two gifts that i received yesterday afternoon (not to mention the card and gift that were waiting for me upon my arrival at the office).

i may be sleep-deprived and broken, but i know i'm loved.

2006-02-11T17:45:00.000-06:00

i realize that this is something only i can do.

i realize that i'm only starting to grieve.

i'm going to try to go to see his grave tomorrow after visiting with family. i don't know if i'm going to be able to do so.

aunt jac says grief hits you differently every time. does that make it okay that it's pummeling me two months after his death?

2006-02-11T12:40:00.000-06:00

i'm exhausted and uninspired, currently overwhelmed by the clutter in my house and the sheer amount of work that must be done between now and monday at 9AM.

but i have a huge-ass bottle of water and i just took half a vicodin for my shoulder. i'm in the midst of major boot-strap-pulling and have just decided that i'm going to get this place clean by two (giving me an hour or so to "kick it into high gear" as mom used to say).

it has been a terrible string of months. though i'm mourning, it's time to stop feeling sorry for myself. the broken foot, broken clavicle, burst eardrum, papa's death, the violent rift b/w me and my family, disappointment at work...

i have an incredible network of support. i just got to spend a weekend with several thoughtful, hilarous men (though it's easy to think of some of them as boys ;.) discussing theology, volf and rorty and meaning and derrida.

when i was in need my friends and family came through for me. my younger cousin karl very graciously swapped cars with me since i can't drive stick w/ this shoulder (and kel was more than willing to rush in and reacquaint herself with a five-speed if necessary). bethy brought me crutches when i broke my foot. leah carted me to the doctor more times than i can count (i think her car and i are in stiff competition when it comes to breaking down physically). bran is, well, you know, bran. mel, d-n, UM, aunt jac and others have been a net of support that can't be summarized.

this isn't an exhaustive list. the rudds managed to get me to the doctor after i broke my foot, even though their car died just one day before. my friend and co-worker yara has been sweet and sympathetic at the most difficult times. my brother was in town when i broke my clavicle and did his share of driving (and dishes)....

i guess what i mean is, it isn't all so bad.

the only thing i've really lost is papa.

everything else will work itself out.

i have hope that things will heal. my shoulder. my family. in the meantime i'm in a sling constructed by those who love me, the honest cursing bump-shouldered me with a filthy house and all.

i can do something about the house. too bad you all aren't here to watch the one-armed woman sweep....

2006-02-10T07:26:00.000-06:00

i'm tired.

bone-weary.

i don't even know what that means.

i hurt inside my bones, inside my blood. my cells shake a song that demands something the world cannot return: my papa.

my brain's neurons fire, triggering memories that cause salt water to gently escape the corners of my eyes.

this, a body's response to the knowledge that another's is buried in dirt, cold and silent.

everything i am wants to call and have him answer "hello" in the way that he does.

did.

2006-02-06T16:23:00.000-06:00

in the past twenty-four hours or so i've:

frolicked about new york city
visited ground zero
stayed in a kick-ass suite at the hilton with an amazing view
dined with suneel and dan at an incredible hookah bar
ridden my first train (amtrak from penn station to new haven)
registered, but not yet picked up my materials, for this emergent conversation conference (note: conversation, not conversion) at yale

in the past couple of weeks i've:

broken my right clavicle
gotten my hair cut very short so that i can fix it with one hand
spent good long stretches of time talking to my brother
been driving my cousin's truck, as i can't shift with the bum shoulder yet

i'm looking forward to the next couple of days: theological debate, camradery, and time well-spent with brandon, who is probably waiting downstairs right now to take me to dinner :)

2006-01-13T11:36:00.000-06:00

(thoughts while editing an essay)

there are "idea" people, and there are "writers" -- at least in the world of non-fiction.

i aim to be both.

2005-12-13T10:04:00.000-06:00

claiming the possessions of the dead

it seems so crass.

and yet, there is something to be said for wanting something to clutch to your chest when you remember....

i want a few of his shirts and his copy of the china study. it seems that everyone wants something of his, though. i can make do with my memories.

i miss him. i wish i could pick up the phone and tell him that.

it really hurts.

i guess that's a given, but it helps to type it anyway.

2005-12-09T22:09:00.000-06:00

my papa died yesterday.

you're going to have to bear with me, because this is kind of the first time i've ever had to deal with death or grief.

he sort of took over dad duty after i stopped speaking to my father at the age of fourteen. he taught me how to drive. about a year ago he read the china study, which convinced him to adopt a vegan diet. since then we have traded recipes and pointers. he really liked kashi crackers (otherwise known as "tacos") but his kroger didn't carry them.

he also opposed the iraq war and many of the bush administration's policies. very often i would call him and we would engage in wonderful political discourse.

i think the only human on this planet who could pray harder than him is my granny.

when i was a kid i would spend the night, or a week over at their house and we would sit in the dark living room, the news flashing on the television screen. (sometimes it was gunsmoke or unsolved mysteries). he would peel me an orange and i would sit on his lap in the recliner.

he was born with eleven toes.

when his loved ones died they came to him in his dreams.

my younger uncle looks just like him.

he had a beautiful singing voice, but he used it to preach. a very rich, deep tone. i'm certain that his very favorite posession was his bible.

yesterday i went out to their house to be with family. i was the first one there. i made his bed and cleaned up his room since company was coming, hung up shirts he won't wear again in the closet. had a minor breakdown when i saw his wallet on the bedside table. and then gran showed up and saw his shoes and she sat in her recliner and lost it. my aunt collapsed on her knees and they held a prayer meeting.

i did what i could to help clean up (the water was out -- my uncle spent the majority of the evening out back trying to fix it) and just listen and talk and play with my little cousin.

tonight i saw his body and it still seems unreal. how could you not want, expect him to just sit up and talk to you?

i know that most people have experienced this before becoming almost twenty-seven. perhaps grief is immune to cliche.

2005-10-13T11:06:00.000-05:00

the house to your right is gone.

i guess it already was.

2005-10-13T11:03:00.000-05:00

My friend Jill at least found the time and inspiration to say it like I couldn't:

i'm not sure what is more selfish at this point, staying on my current path for fear that all the opportunities i'm taking advantage of will dry up, or shirking those (enjoyed) responsibilities in order to dedicate more time to nurturing something i fear has already died.i keep telling myself that i just need to learn how to budget my time better, but i've never been able to schedule being inspired. i feel the random idea and try to shove it into a pocket for later. but all i find once i've got pen and paper is lint and maybe sixth sense. i mean 6 cents.i find myself staring at the corner of the sofa, trying to eavesdrop on the conversations it clearly has been having with my cat for her to stare at it so intently....

2005-08-29T07:36:00.000-05:00

check out justin's livejournal from june 2001... my first real apartment. i shared it with two crazy film majors who loved getting drunk and singing magnetic fields. on occasion the captain would throw his laptop and torture the cat. he once strapped a naked barbie to a stake and set her on fire IN OUR HOUSE and filmed it for a school project. adrian cleaned the carpet and slept on the futon; we threw him one hell of a shindig on the roof of the inwood before he left us to francier places (where many many adventures were had...)

this was while i was selling my soul to AOL and figuring out how in the hell to be an adult. i soon started yoga, stopped smoking, and my best friend brandon moved to another state.

what a crazy, fun, jumbled amazing time.

2005-08-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

anyone ready to tell me it's okay?

____
this creepy suit is wearing me thin
i've got an office but it's much too small to let you in
i'm know the difference cause i'm different from them

and it's monday afternoon

last friday night i nearly touched the sky
my mind was lucid and my words were coming right on time
i had control of thought for the night

and it's monday afternoon
(monsday afternoon)

barstool venus she's wrapped up tight
one night with her
it would be alright
my eyes are blurry, she fades from sight

i'm percolating anticipating the the phone
the sun is shining, something about a thing
it keeps me safe, far away from the crowd

it's monday afternoon.

___

(lyrics by ian moore.)

2005-08-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

it seems that about once a week i feel like one of karma incorporated's victims.

today after waiting hours just to pay $150.00 for not changing my address the cop i'd been sitting next to and conversing with (along with a man whose brother prophesied that he would be a minister) regarding faith and meaning and the New Testament and such asked me out to dinner.

i'd just coughed up the dough (the district attorney cut me no slack) and was sitting in my hot car, digging through my bag because i thought i might have left my debit card inside when i saw the officer striding across the parking lot towards my car. oh shit, what did i do? then the gentleman (who must be a couple of decades older than me at least and has a generously-sized posterior) asked if he could ask me to dinner.

sigh.

now i'm at work, furiously busy (except for this break to suck down some pepto and bitch for a few moments) and preparing for a meeting with a very cranky individual.

god, i need a vacation. the beach couldn't seem further away right now.

2005-07-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

it's amazing to see one's name in print.

of course, right now i'm just speaking of a pdf of the typeset manuscript, but it's startling nonetheless.

i'm certain that mr. hopkins, comic book author extraordinaire, is familiar with this particular spark of glee.

2005-07-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

i wish you could google the dictionary....

2005-07-07T17:37:00.000-05:00

jumping jacks and bunk beds

this weekend my cousins and i all went out on a boat, so that we could be dragged around the bay in a huge tube. my experience with toobing (sp. intentional) is limited to lazily floating down a river and consuming copious amounts of lone star, so this was pretty new to me.

the damn thing is awful huge, and no one explained that you're supposed to kind of lay in a supine position across it, so i ended up trapped along the bottom as it skipped along the wake of salt water. this was nearly a week ago and my arms are still sore from hanging on (i really thought that i was going to die); i'm covered in bruises and the whole time i thought why on earth would anyone want to do this?

but i sucked it up and went back out, figured out how to kind of perch on the side and had a blast with my cousins. i think i'm more sore from laughing (abs, you know) than from the huge ass bruises that cover the front of my legs.

----

monday morning we all got up around 4AM to go running in houston. except most of us backed out on account of being A) too sore B) still drunk C) hungover

or a combination of the above. we stayed up late, drinking beer and telling shaggy dog and old coy stories on the dock. it was just "the kids" (the youngest of us being 18 and all) and uncle pat, who very aptly demonstrated the lack of peril in handling jumping jack fireworks. we had been lighting them and throwing them at one another for some time and i was just a tad shy about the whole thing, so he held one in his hand, lit it and let it spritz out right there. see? no problem! then ian threw one at his feet and it jumped right up the leg of his shorts and burned the hell out of his ass. there was a hole the size of new jersey right on the butt of his patriotic red white and blue attire!

for the rest of the evening our stories and laughter were punctuated by the drunken uncle sutra "my ass still hurts!"

----

we all went upstairs to crash around 2 but karl and i got tickled and laughed (guffawed, really) for about an hour before passing out -- sunburned and shinered, sore and silly. i don't think i'll ever forget the over a/c'd air, tucked into the bottom bunk while he hung his head over the top bunk, his hair in his eyes while we traded college anecdotes and spent a good ten minutes in pure laughter.

----

it was so good to be with family. about fifty people showed up. we caught crabs and caught up on each others lives, ate incredible amounts of food and consumed much beer. i love the stories they all tell, over and over -- the way each aunt or uncle remembers it just a tad differently. this is a storytelling family. they hold their history close and share it through spoken word, narratives spilling out when we come together in this odd joyous beautiful manner that i've never experienced elsewhere.

i caught a slice of identity this weekend, remembered things i didn't know. these people know me, held me as an infant, a toddler, built drip castles on the beach and drizzled sand on sunbleached porches, scrached my name in concrete... and held me up as i suffered in adolescence.

there is an oral history that i can't put down in words. i can tell you our stories, but i can't share the laughter of six siblings and several cousins, the embellishments and play-arguments mid-anecdote.

some stories can only be told right among the people who share them.

2005-07-06T09:12:00.000-05:00

blasted six-disc changer

i loaded up my car's cd player with new music (and a couple of loved classics) this weekend for my solo drive down to texas city.

and spent the majority of the trip thinking that athlete was coldplay.

----

i've also been instructed to purchase a copy of neutral milk hotel.

my cousin justin and i spent some time listening to it in his truck monday morning (when i should have been with the aunts and uncles running in houston, an activity i missed due to some details that should hopefully be forthcoming).

you know i must be seriously impressed when i say that the lyrics rival leonard cohen's.

that's all for now. i have to go make some books....

2005-06-21T13:15:00.000-05:00

i think i know what petty anger is.

our new neighbor tore out my garden to extend her porch.

2005-06-15T15:31:00.000-05:00

...funny happenings in the life of one who doesn't watch tv...

we were batting around ideas for anthologies here in the production/editorial office yesterday when our production manager suggested that we do a book on arrested development. she asked "do you think it's big enough?"

i looked at her, a tiny bit incredulous. "do you mean the band???"

which was met by blank stares and later, laughter. the age gap is not that large, but they've never heard of the band.

apparently arrested development is some kind of cult hit show.

--------

the fun doesn't end around here!

2005-06-01T18:40:00.000-05:00

i should be packing, going out to purchase cat food and kitty litter and deodorant that doesn't suck like the secret i just bought...

but my tongue is numb from the walgreens ora relief throat spray and i found an excuse to suck on luden's throat drops (read: candy!) and i had some thoughts on community. or church. or rather, the intersection of the two.

or, you know, not.

----

i went home recently. i think there are a few physical places that i would refer to as home... currenty they are 1. my home in condo 14 2. mansfield 3. my grandparents' place in the country 4. my mom's house, kind of. but i don't think she really feels at home there, so it's hard. this is more like home3.5 (home three point five)

(if you want to talk about home as people, bran and a couple of others would definitely get thrown in that mix. but i have some kind of story to tell i think, so i'll leave this be for now.)

i'm referring to home #2.

mansfield.

i got a wild hair up my ass (a branism, i think. he put it in a song once) a couple of months ago and went for a drive. i ended up at the new church building of the church i attended for several years, until mid 8th grade.

and on some whim i went in, through some back side door and asked to see the pastor. let's call him billy.

well, the admin staff was very silly about the whole thing. "pastor billy is a very busy man; let me see..." blah blah. they bustled about and felt important to be protecting the pastor's time.

and then.

i just gave my name, said i wanted to see him just for a few minutes. something changed the assistant's demeanor, and he invited me to enter pastor billy's office.

a wide expanse of expensive oak laminate-top desk separated us. he offered me a mint from his candy dish and didn't remember me too well, just the last name.

"aren't you the smart one?"

"no, that was my sister."

"oh."

and he sort of leaned back in his chair, like you do when you're sitting in an expensive high-backed dead cow office chair -- he rocked back a bit and looked at me sideways, trying to remember.

i guess i have to give him some credit, cause he hasn't seen me in about a decade, though i did ruin the christmas play one year by continually mouthing "wassup!" at the youth section during the performance.

he had some gray hair, and too much clunky gold jewelry.

what he didn't have? anything for me, except for need.

i went in looking for, well, i'm not sure what -- not answers really, but a insta-mentor. some kind of authority figure from the past. someone less jaded than my college professors, someone more accessible than caputo or my dead derrida.

and i got an insecure man who somehow wanted something from me.

----

it's a long story. i mean, a really long one. but i called him out for kicking me out of the church when i was a 13 for deciding to side with mom during the divorce. and he sort of crumbled, an old ball of guilt and apology but in some sideways selfish way.

so i told him not to worry about it.

i gave him a lot of advice (seriously now!) and told him to read caputo and mclaren.

----

but back to community now. what struck me, what was insane, is that not ONE SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING PERSON I KNEW WHEN I ATTENDED THAT CHURCH IS STILL A MEMBER.

really.

and when i asked about different people who influenced me, people i loved in my childhood and adolescence, i could see hints of memory flicker across his worn face as he shook his head....

he hasn't heard from any of them in years. his family left him.

he's my dad in an over air-conditioned church behind a fancy desk in gold jewelry holding on to a god he doesn't understand.

he's lost everything. and he has to cling to the new because he knows he can't get it back.

----

uh, yes. so, community.

i don't think it lasts for any good deal of time. people end up privileging other things, or succumb to flights of fanciful resentment. or they betray each other. or they move away. or they off themselves, break up the band, cycle rumor or blame and it just doesn't click in a sustainable way.

i think this is a choice. i mean, it's definitely a choice on the part of each individual: how will i act? what's important to me? who is? how? etc. etc. etc.

the only long-standing communities i've seen first-hand are the incredibly shitty ones of my mom and dad's families. god, they backstab, they gossip, they love each other with such passion and they're each little villages.

but people seldom leave the coy congregation.

why is blood so thick?

how do i learn to act in ways other than the way i was trained, taught by example?

i'm trying folks; i'm trying.

----

i'd like to end with something more conclusive. but like the films i'm drawn to lately, this is just some rambling narrative, one blip in the life of shnn.

i've got to go get ready for new york, for the book business and brandon and life and love.

i've got to buy cat food.

-s

2005-05-26T07:59:00.000-05:00

this morning the tiny grey feral kitten ventured onto our back porch, sipping rainwater from one of the terracotta plant saucers, frolicking about and generally torturing beringer and berkley who desperately wanted to go outside and play, or defend their territory or perhaps both.

tonight david, melissa, bethy, leah and i go to see an early cut of serenity. my sister and travis come into town tomorrow (which is ayesha's birthday), monday is memorial day and i leave on thursday for NY for book expo, where i'll hobnob with authors, meet a couple of foreign rights agents, scope out religion publishers, hang with bran and tara, meet suneel, and finally meet some of our freelancers face to face.

then later this month i have a spaghetti dinner to throw, father's day at the lake, then the 4th at my family's bayhouse. not to mention taking the GRE, pitching book ideas, working on acquiring essays for the lost anthology, etc.

this time of year is always crazy. it's good to have so much to look forward to in the short term.

2005-05-26T07:52:00.000-05:00

joy!

the editorial director of the new yorker requested an advance review copy of revisiting narnia.

2005-04-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

i'm a little broken this morning.

trying to figure out what i want to do, be, create out of this life i have. i played guitar for about an hour and sang this morning. it reminded me that i used to do this every day; that i was learning and writing, creating... the wooden body of the guitar singing meaning as i discovered the sounds that come from different play of strings.

i reread some of my blog, some of my unfinished short stories and remembered being driven to push the keys, spelling out a story, spilling out my soul.

i'm eating an artichoke for breakfast. i need to buy a new tire for my car. there's a bunch of essays and a couple of manuscripts that demand my editorial attention. the kitchen is aclutter with dishes, remnants of strawberries, a bag of spinach. the tomatoes are beginning the quick rush towards ruin. i think the girls and their mom might stop by. i need to clean. i spent money on more bath products. aunt jac is in town and i need to call her. my flowers are colorful, the jasmine fragrant, the neighbors likely just stirring from friday-evening-to-saturday-morn slumber...

----

how is it that "how are you?" became our traditional greeting? people seldom want to hear an actual answer. the words don't really mean what they're supposed to mean in that setting. for some reason we ask a question that doesn't expect an answer, just to say hello and acknowledge each others' presence.

----

prepare yourselves: here cometh the blog self-reflection. sweet lord i hate these.

i used to write with abandon, not realizing that it was an act of brazen trust. i'm not feeling so willing to be vulnerable like that right now. this morning's blah blah blah is just some spot of nostalgia for the space of time in which i could play with language, with my thoughts, etc. in this format.

my concern is that i've not replaced this with a different vehicle for expression, creation.

but don't worry. i'll figure it out.

----

i'm fine.

2005-03-06T07:11:00.000-06:00

no tea cozies without irony

my good lord: a craft site for hipsters. i now know where that chick in a frumpy-yet-somehow-hip sweater who's knitting in starbucks finds scarf patterns online!

actually, this is a really cool idea. anyone who's spent some time in a fabric store shudders at the thought of the cutesy grannyish nature of pretty much everything they sell.

----

there's a guy who spent 40+ hours embroidering the virgin mary on the front of a western snap shirt that he'd made. (he made a pattern based on one of those tall hurricane catholic candles). there are elvis costello-stenciled t-shirts, crazy toilet paper TV-modifiers, broken flower pots repaired with a hot glue gun and some pieces of a broken plate, tire gardens, dollar store sundials, etc etc.

craftster, i think i love you.

2005-02-13T11:44:00.000-06:00

a taste of spring

it's gorgeous out today. i've got the windows flung open, a prairie home companion sounding on the radio, and the cats are watching a robin in the tree outside with intent.

i have more energy and general joy this morning than i've had in a while. maybe it's the sunshine, or a night well-slept--

either way, i've got the last vestiges of unpacking to do, a bookshelf to move, cats to hug, and a sunday to enjoy. no brunch for this cewek today; there's too much to do in the sudden bounce of upbeatness and potential productivity.

2005-01-31T09:45:00.000-06:00

somehow january managed to fly by rather quickly. i hope to post some more pictures, but for now know that i am happily working away through this beautifully dreary morning.

papa and i celebrated our birthdays yesterday:

thanks again to everyone who sacrificed their saturday morning/afternoon to help me move! the cats and i are settling in; we had a peaceful night of rest last night.

2005-01-24T09:47:00.000-06:00

birthday celebration!

tonight
Meridian Room
~8PM

2005-01-19T08:10:00.000-06:00

the morning is maturing; i'm quiet and thoughtful. it occurs to me that this is one of the last mornings i will spend alone, in this space. i've been so careful to guard my solitude, earnestly declaring the pleasures of living alone -- and now find myself moving in with people i love.

i can't wait.

2005-01-10T20:44:00.000-06:00

the hughes used the word "pronunciate" today.

i was wrong in thinking that it was not a word.

2005-01-06T08:51:00.000-06:00

brandon is here!

last night we dined on delicious fare at the cosmic cafe, where we kind of met erika badu and played with her incredibly (but not as cute as judah) cute baby. then beth, bran and i headed to the meridian room where we ran into chris black!! he and his entourage joined us and we spent a good deal of time catching each other up on the past 3+ years while we waited for leah to join us (alias went until 10pm).

it kind of feels like the holidays are still going, what with me being off for the rest of the week.

i'm dashing this off in a rush while bran showers -- we have a tux to pick up, rehearsals and dinners to attend, and hopefully some general merrymaking.

(our friend mcgee is getting married tomorrow)

---

there's much to look forward to this month, this weekend
it's cold out again

it is well with my soul this morning.

2004-12-30T19:35:00.000-06:00

one last hoo-rah shindig

this coming saturday, the eighth of january 2005 we will be celebrating the presence of one brandon buehring at the hipster loft.

door opens at 8. vegan snacks and cheap vodka will be provided. (please feel free to bring your own goods). it's kid-friendly.

we might head towards new amsterdam later for some maredsous.

i can't wait to spend time with so many people i love.

----

also,

January 29 is moving day.

come help me carry boxes and bid the loft goodbye. pizza and beer/coke will be provided.

2004-12-28T17:18:00.000-06:00

yes. so.

i haven't posted too frequently lately.

the larger my responsibility work-wise, the smaller my attention span for other endeavors.

----------

listening to all these things that i've done. there's a killer sunset outside, i've got the office to myself, and i'm determined to leave by 5:30.

i just used a serial comma.

mostly i haven't posted because i can't really create any linear string of thoughts -- it's just a hodgepodge of things on my mind. lord knows this happens on occasion in spoken conversation....

so, how are things in shnnland? xmas was bearable. work should be getting better soon. my book on narnia is coming together. i have some (?) of my blog archives back up.

i am still occupying the space between 1)not having much to say and 2)having too much to say -- it's overwhelming.

for now, if you want some shnn, hit the archives that are available. otherwise, i haven't much to offer.

perhaps in the new year.

perhaps not.

2004-12-22T15:51:00.000-06:00

it is snowing. the day is good.

2004-12-08T13:49:00.000-06:00

two men who changed my life:

2004-11-19T08:31:00.000-06:00

most people are so mired in the drama of their own narrative that they fail to see (or care) how it affects others. this particularly affects tight-knit communities like families.

2004-11-11T10:50:00.000-06:00

holy goodness

Christian Bahr (SMU 1998) named a "Jack Kerouac Writer in Residence" for summer 2004. Christian says: "The Kerouac Project of Orlando bought a home where Kerouac lived and wrote the book Dharma Bums while at the same time becoming famous (or infamous) for On The Road. This little 1920's Old Florida Cracker House has been renovated. Each year they invite four writers to each spend three months in the house alone. Rent and food are both paid for, and all the writer has to do, well, is write!"

2004-11-08T13:20:00.000-06:00

some thoughts on jesusland

via an old mansfield acquaintance

2004-11-04T07:52:00.000-06:00

what now?

yesterday the answer was "go to the meridian room with daniel for half-price food". the place was packed, and each snippet of conversation i caught seemed to involve complaints about bush's win.

it's so good to have neighbors who can hit the pub with you.

later on i received a call from one justin canada, checking on me. i answered "i'm fine" but after a good bit of long distance bush-bashing, realized that i'm not quite. my hope suffered a huge blow yesterday.

despite this, i'm full aware that sinking into despair is not the right choice to make. vigilance, awareness and continued conversation are more important now that the right sees this as a mandate. time to care for myself and my friends and start thinking about the mid-term elections.

what's next for this cewek? a good day's work, buffy night, i'm going to clean my fridge goddamnit, snuggle berk and beringer, water my plants, mop the floor, read a book, resubscribe to salon, etc.

check out some other folks' election reactions here.

2004-11-02T16:10:00.000-06:00

Iranian Nobel winner sues the US

Iranian Nobel Prize winner Shirin Ebadi is suing the US government for blocking publication of her memoirs.
She argues in her suit that restrictions on the publication of books by authors in countries subject to US sanctions are unconstitutional.

American companies are banned from publishing books by authors in Iran, Cuba and Sudan.

Ms Ebadi was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize last year - the first Iranian and first Muslim woman to win the award....

2004-10-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

every sunday a prairie home companion brings to life a forgotten song of my youth. this morning it was I Can't Feel at Home in This World Anymore . each sunday for 3-4 minutes i "have church", a string of moments injected with the joy of aural memory.

i'm happy that i can still enjoy this song, even though the words no longer hold the meaning they once had for me.

----

so what has shnn been up to?

well, obviously working too much (granny would say i've been "too busy to even wipe my hiney" -- gotta love those family colloquialisms). but it looks like a solution is in the works (even if it means giving up editing for a while). this means i'll have clean laundry again, i can actually start reading again, and maybe i'll stop dreaming about work nightly.

i feel like i can breathe again, unwind the curl of stress in my stomach....

and say again that things are good.

things are good.

last weekend i spent the night in cleburne w/ my grandparents. i cooked chili for sunday after-church dinner in an attempt to spare gran the effort and expense of cooking -- she of course prepared a roast anyway. we stayed up late saturday night, and i quizzed them on their past. their lives are ripe with incredible stories. when i asked what her favorite memory is, she told me it's the day she got saved, when her friend blackie dragged them to a tent revival. papa told me how he was called to the ministry (he heard voices when he prayed, urging him towards that life -- and at a revival the evangelist called him up to preach). before that he worked in the shipyard near new orleans.

we got us a good giggling lesson (meaning we had a good long conversation punctuated by laughter) and i retired to the small room she'd cleaned out for me (it's usually the storage space for xmas presents). yep, that's a doll in pink standing next to a gun case there.

church sunday was interesting. i went to the old folks sunday school class, where the tiny lady behind the podium laid a little fire and brimstone on us; then praise and worship in the sanctuary and children's church with my cousins.

we had us a good visit; everyone liked my chili (despite the lack of meat). papa managed to save a sick jack russell puppy, and i fell in love with their goat dog all over again.

a great visit overall.

---

lunch with mom on tuesday for her actual birthday,

work work work,

a crazy tummyache, floor swept, bathtub clean and five stitches later, i sort of had a breakdown and fled to austin for a 24-hour trip that put me back in a space of peace and calm.

went to a bookstore, wandered the city streets by car, listened to stories, talked politics, ate well, came back for the IR Gallery sculpture opening (if only i had 4K!) and here i sit in post-meet the press musings, lake woebegone coming from my speakers, the almost-autumn day wafting through the loft that i'll now clean.

the day is good.

2004-10-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

help.

i don't know how to do this.

2004-10-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

update
(five stitches later)

i'm at work. listening to the shins. finding it difficult to concentrate.

despite my protestations, i regret missing lunch with my company and our author. hell, i'm still wearing this confounded skirt.

and i forgot to explain the importance of hydrogen peroxide:
it really sucks to pour rubbing alcohol on an open (if small) wound.

-----

in the spirit of bootstrap pulling, i will tell you that things are looking up. if i didn't believe in the no-backspace rule i'd retitle the last post a good day's very bad start

(even if i have to make it so)

2004-10-21T08:18:00.000-05:00

the importance of hydrogen peroxide

(or, a day's very bad start)

i've been so close to the emotional edge here lately, barely keeping myself focused. i'm pushed to the very limits of my capabilities on every level--

i think something cracked this morning.

i stepped out my front door, ready to take trash to the dumpster and grab something to wear today out of my car (i did laundry at granny's sunday; been so busy since that they've remained there). i was grouching pretty mean, irritated that i have to dress up for lunch with our "B-celebrity" author who's in town.

and, i was in yoga clothes because i didn't want to shower before lugging heavy shit -- no sense in getting sweaty first thing.

so my leg had no protection when i hefted the trash bag up and over a bit to get a better grasp, and the broken glass inside sliced my thigh. (special thanks to berkley for breaking my candleholder around 3am last night.)

and now i'm just kind of sitting here, still crying from the surprise, pressing a clean washcloth against the wound and peeking at it now and then -- do i need stitches? --- i haven't showered. i have no bandaids. i don't want to get my skirt bloody.

lord, i still haven't shaved.

and i'm just stuck -- i've spent so much time and energy trying to order things at work that i've got nothing left to order my morning. do i shower now? go down first to get a shirt and underwear from the car? try to call mom again to see how one knows if they need stitches? and what of the awful trash; it needs to go downstairs (it has the remains of a stinky jack-o-lantern). what comes first? shouldn't my cut start closing up or something?

i'm tired, folks. my poor brain hurts, and all i can see ahead are months and months more of work and stress.

2004-10-12T17:16:00.000-05:00

i called my brother this afternoon

hey rich, it's your sister. what you up to?
he replied: i'm feeding this dude.

sometimes i forget that he cares for the elderly and mentally ill for a living.

2004-10-10T09:21:00.000-05:00

when i say that something changed my life, i'm referring to something personal, something that implies action on my part as much as an other's influence.

of course there are certain things that have affected our development; we are always situated within a context. i'm not arguing that things like christianity, capitalism, democracy, technologies etc. have not contributed to the shnn that is today. the study of these things and their place and effect on culture (or the way that they are culture) continues to fascinate me.

but in a very personal way, there are a few things that i have encountered (especially in my adult life) that were life-changing. shnn-forming.

some are texts (actually, they all are acc'd to my definition ;), some cds, some people.

the thought i'm pressed with today is this: there's a human who really changed my life whom i never met, and never will (unless my former eschatological belief turns out to be right. maybe i can sit near him on judgment day).

jacques derrida's scholarship is a gift for which i'm grateful.

2004-10-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

Classmates sue over "Dazed and Confused"

Three former high school classmates of "Dazed and Confused" director Richard Linklater have filed a lawsuit claiming they have suffered embarrassment and ridicule because of characters based on them in the movie....

2004-10-09T14:49:00.000-05:00

derrida passed away last night.

2004-10-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

my neighborhood is besieged by thousands of people clad in orange and red. how did i manage to forget that it's texas/OU weekend? i'm functionally trapped in my building until the game gets going.

just a year ago daniel, justin and jill were in town visiting and we had a party on my rooftop deck.

i think i've been playing too much sims2. i'm looking out the window at all the insanity across the street and notice that my herbs need some pruning, and i find myself shaking my head and thinking "no, i'm too depressed to do that right now" (i half expect a bubble to pop up over my head showing a plant with an x through it).

the debate last night was disheartening; i'm in the clutches of despair over my lack of agency, angry about our system's limitations. i'm looking forward to going to the office this afternoon; it will be helpful to focus on work and be productive. otherwise i'll sit here reading more news (indonesian embassy in paris bombed, the egypt bombings, the mess of an election in afghanistan, the ridiculous debate spinners and sound bite after irritating sound bite from yesterday's farcical town meeting debate) while the blood alcohol level of the crowd raging outside my home increases exponentially....

we need travis henderson.

2004-10-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

you've got to love it when political discourse breaks down and folks resort to insults. my sister polished off her latest argument by calling kerry "frenchy mchorseface".

wow.

2004-10-03T08:03:00.000-05:00

triumph!

i handed out all of my white voter registration cards (the kind you mail in) and had to pick some more up downtown.

looks like i'll have registered six friends and seven strangers as well (folks new to texas or those who moved to other voting districts within dallas county). it's not much -- it's not stopping any war -- but it's something.

and i registered mom's husband to vote.

2004-10-01T18:41:00.000-05:00

my mother maligned me today for supporting kerry.

what's interesting are her arguments... she threw in various heinz-related insults and faux-complimented kerry on toning down the orange makeup for this debate.

i restrained myself from pointing out the prominent baselines that mark the sunday churchgoing chins of our beloved family members, or pointing out that we're not at war over ketchup.

what i've stopped doing is asking mom to substantiate her claims/attacks, because she just gets upset and tells me she "raised me better than this"....

i gently remind her, again and again, that yes she did raise me. and i think she did a damn good job of raising a kind, thoughtful human being.

----

i've come a long way in four years; last election i lied to my family when they pressured me: you did vote for bush?....

i've stopped lying, or bothering to answer when my family pushes me like this -- they don't really want to know what i think, care not about my convictions. they just want me to agree with them.

i privilege honest communication, debate and conversation that's tempered with love and respect for one another. i have little patience for the repeated demand that i believe just as they do.

(what's interesting now is my grandfather and aunt's political shift; they don't agree that a vote for bush is by nature a christian vote. they look in bafflement at the situation in iraq, listen in awe to warmongering discourse spoken from the mouth of one who seems to claim divine appointment to the white house. papa said recently, "we need to remind our president and our country: blessed are the peacemakers")

*though this does bring up an interesting thought. what if a company, say coca-cola, refused to distribute their product to countries (or states in the US) they had a beef with? you know: no coke to states with democrat governors. or no coke to countries who have iffy human rights violations. or communist ties. what if chick-fil-a were the mcdonalds of the world and pulled out of muslim countries? convert or you'll have no more waffle fries!

2004-10-01T07:50:00.000-05:00

well, gilley's last night was a bust. geez... i'd rather go to church. the bar was most definitely not open and the whole thing took on the aura of an odd political rah rah party. it was like a tent-revival, with worse music.

what is it about organized political events that feels like organized religion?

as the five fine folks i'd dragged there made our hurried exit (sucking down overpriced redbullvodka and capecod) they tried to stop us, you're not leaving are you? and dan threw back a reply as we hurried to our family van yes! we are! and flew back to my place to watch the debate.

---

wow, is it too much to ask that our president be articulate?

somehow i don't think that george's bumbling will be exploited quite like dean's campaign scream. (thx to daniel for the link)

overall i think that kerry did well, but i wonder how much of my opinion is colored by the urgent wishhope that he'll unseat bush.

i'm looking forward to the VP debate--

in my fantasy, derrida moderates the debate and we get commentary by richard rorty directly afterwards. that guy needs to get a blog.

2004-09-30T13:20:00.000-05:00

dallas county residents: want to find out if you're registered? go here

(you can also type in your (local) friends' names to see if they're registered)

i'll be outside the meridian room this weekend registering fair-goers.

links to info on districts and who's running for what office soon to come!

-s

2004-09-30T09:07:00.000-05:00

Fox Intimidating Voters In Arizona?

2004-09-29T13:58:00.000-05:00

cat recruitment

2004-09-28T07:42:00.000-05:00

anyone interested in going?

Debate Watch Party at Gilley's Dallas
1409 S. Lamar
Dallas, TX 75215
Near downtown, just south of I-30 between the Dallas Convention Center and South Side on Lamar (historic Sears Roebuck Building)
Thursday, September 30
6:30 pm

This will be one of the last opportunities to register voters before the Oct. 4 deadline. GILLEY'S DALLAS from 6:30 - 12 midnight. Watch the Kerry-Bush Debate on over 20 drop-down screens. After the debate there will be LIVE JAZZ with JASON DAVIS and lots of surprises with cameo appearances and candidates. Voluntary donations and Open Bar. Please contact Steve Eddy at steve@dallasforkerry.com.

2004-09-26T17:31:00.001-05:00

the spree was so on last night. rivaled the stubbs show last year.

even delaughter seemed to think so.

the crowd watched so actively. joy birthed, music crashing into love, smiles and cries and hands held up in the air. i was at some incredible robe-laden revival; we all jumped up and down, bouncing and screamsinging.

it was so good that i wanted to drive to austin to catch the show tonight. unfortunately, i had a misadventure with a lower-gvill curb on my way home, and am in need of a new tire.

thanks to damon, karen and joshua for helping me out last night & this morning.

----

reminder: go see garden state

----

i wonder when daniel gets back. missed him this weekend.

----

i enjoyed sharing friday evening with two other coys. i'm looking forward to seeing the name (spelled correctly) on the cover of a book soon.

2004-09-26T16:41:00.000-05:00

anyone want to go to san antonio this sunday? RLP/Gordon is having a book signing there. his blog changed my life; his most recent postings have particularly resonated with me.

2004-09-22T14:35:00.000-05:00

don't listen to the wind of your soul if you want to come to america.

(Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) not welcome here.)

Officials said Islam was on the watch list because of alleged associations and financial support for Muslim charities...

On the Web site, he is associated with three charities: Small Kindness for humanitarian relief; Islamia Schools' Trust for education; and Waqf al Birr Educational Trust for educational research and development and scientific and medical research.

One administration official said the singer had been in the United States as recently as May and was a recent addition to the watch list.

2004-09-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

Go see Garden State.

2004-09-20T16:34:00.000-05:00

2004-09-15T06:47:00.000-05:00

can't sleep right now (the cats have been active since about 5:30 this morning). i had a crazy science fiction dream, where i went into space/another dimension/past evolution (??) with two guys. we had helmets and booklets and had no clue what we were getting into (we had to solve some puzzles and hunt some artifacts down just to assure our space on the transportation craft and assure our survival.)

when i got there they split us into teams, and i joined team 17B -- a team full of alien-looking folk. they put us in a training pool, where we swam around and played icebreakers -- people with eyes bulging from foreheads, or several green wavy arms... an overweight african american woman with four legs kept trying to come onto me (and later attacked me when i rebuffed her advances) and i was saved by (of all people) kirsten dunst, who revealed to me that she'd been genetically engineered from a piece of ceramic.

i'm a little iffy on the other details... i remember complaining to the staff that they had no vegetarian food (the lunch i'd packed before embarking on said journey had somehow mysteriously disappeared) in the lunch hall. i remember talking with the two guys i'd traveled with and they hypothesized that we'd really been in a time machine, and this was earth way way way in the future.

beringer woke me up (he was perched on the pillow next to mine, and he poked me in the face with his paw like he does when he wants me to wake up) and i grumbled a little. it was a strange dream, but i sure wanted to figure out what the hell i was doing there.

goodness, i guess this is what happens after you spend six days surrounded by SF! maybe i can use this as an excuse to skip out on the convention weekend after next....

2004-09-14T18:41:00.000-05:00

well folks, things are looking better.

i'm getting my car fixed later this week, i have wilco, the spree and a chili dinner on the horizon, and i've been happy for a near-solid two weeks now (nasty cold nonwithstanding) the previous month brought with it a near-crippling depression, a seeming extension of stressful event after event that began with the root canal in april and culminated with the loss of a friendship in july (with a ton of sickness, health scares, work stress and financial woes in between -- though there were sprinklings of joy like caputo and, well, caputo. and seeing bran.)

praise be for september. it's been incredible so far.

------

my internet's back up. my work schedule is nearly under control (as much as it ever will be, i imagine).

looking back (and likely forward -- i recognize the cyclical nature of depression in my life. it's not too smart to assume it won't return), i just want to comment on a couple of things.

1) stress and worry. it's one thing to tell yourself that these things have little value; it's quite a different thing to put that head knowledge into practice when you're in the midst of stress or worry. they seem to have this cumulative effect -- you find yourself doing it even when you're not consciously thinking about the thing or event that's causing it. it's like you're trying really hard to change something, or help something, but all that effort is for naught. i can't even think of a metaphor. it's like wishing my plants would grow, even if i put them in a dark closet and didn't ever water them.

2) pain and rejection. believe it or not, you get better at this after going through it a few times (unless you get swallowed in a well of self-doubt or feeling sorry for yourself).

something just clicked in boston. joy and perspective inched their way in....

2004-09-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

Ramsey Creek Nature Preserve

This is where I would like to be buried....

2004-09-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

progress....

2004-09-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

the thing about sewing is that it takes a certain degree of precision, especially when one is endeavoring to make a quilt.

i've designed my own pattern (simple though it is), calculated the amount of fabric needed, purchased fabric, pored over my quilting book, cut strips of material with my rotary cutter and self-healing mat, and sewed a bunch of squares that are supposed to measure 12 1/2 by 12 1/2.

for the first time in my life i find myself thinking "gee, i could really use some graph paper right now."

uh, yeah. and the squares aren't of equal size. they range from 11 1/2 x 13 1/4. one bugger somehow came out 11 x 11.

i'd try to puzzle it out right now, but i believe it's time to tame the sting-tipped porcupine that's taken up residence in my throat -- i'm taking some medicine and climbing back into bed. here's a picture of my quilt-progress so far:

2004-09-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

sure, blame it on the invisible sky king....

=====

Dear Ms. Coy,

Thank you for presenting your version of this accident. We assure you it has received careful consideration.

The above referenced policy provides protection to our insured in the events that they are determined to be legally liable for damages. After considering all the available facts, it is our position that our insured is not legally liable for the damages arising out of the above referenced loss. Our investigation has determined that the damage to your vehicle was caused by an act of God, not our insured's negligence. Therefore, we respectfully decline payment for your damages under the above referenced claim number.

======

2004-09-08T08:22:00.000-05:00

First Annual Coy Chili Dinner!

24 September
7:30 PM
vegetarian fare will be served
bring beverages

2004-09-05T18:38:00.000-05:00

apparition

2004-09-05T18:29:00.000-05:00

one more quick question: why do they put orange juice in the margaritas here?

2004-09-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

The Harry Potter Group

harry, ron and... snape?

friday night the hostess of a pub across the street referred to us thusly.

check soon for images of me apparating.

----
i've been having an incredible time in boston. part of me wants to stay longer and explore more, but as it is i won't get into DFW till 10:30 monday eve (and that may get pushed to tuesday, depending on our ability arrange the shipment of 20someodd boxes of books).

for now, time to write some emails and then find some dinner.

looking forward to returning home to my family of cats and friends, to my yellow office and red bed

a return to the gentle rhythms that comprise the life i've created....

2004-09-03T14:05:00.000-05:00

one problem with reading the news while doing retail: customers want to know why you're crying.

2004-09-01T20:38:00.000-05:00

this september eve, my first night in boston (the first night of the month) has already provided adventure for this editor.

after a day of travel, conversation and the movement of several boxes of books (and the mysterious absence of two bookshelves), my publisher and i headed towards a thai restaurant with an sf author/acquisitions editor and his wife in tow. they regaled us with tales of genre trends (the rise and demise of sf pulps and fanzines and publishers) and some colorful anecdotes of his experiences with the print porn industry and its distributors.

on our walk back to the hotel, i saw a bar called bukowski. i explained that i had to depart and jaywalk my way to the bar named after my favorite authors (who? they asked. who?). and so,

i walked into the dim spectre of tourist-laden space that only took cash. and didn't serve wells.

it was too dark to take pictures of the buk images on the walls, so i grabbed a copy of the boston weekly dig and headed for some random bar that had great lighting and norah jones calling me to come in...

i sidled up to the bar, ordered a drink and slid into a wooden barstool. a couple pages (and a couple sips) later i read that wilco was playing tonight.

i immediately asked the nearest human being what time it was, and how far the venue was from our current location.

twenty-five till nine.
a mile and a half or so.

i asked him if cabs took credit cards.

he shook his head, and tried to ask me if i was from out of town -- but i was too busy flagging down the bartender in the urgent request to close my tab.

i abandoned my drink, flew from the bar, credit card and weekly dig in hand, in search of an ATM.

i spotted one in the front section of a store that had closed; i motioned desperately at the cleaning lady. she saddled her mop in its yellow bucket and let me in.

and fuck.

i haven't made it into my bank branch yet to enter in a pin number (after my debit card was stolen and it took them over a month and a half to replace the fucker) so i was subject to the rejection beep beep beep (repeat at will -- i tried thrice in desperation) and ran out into the street.

must reach wilco.

heart beating overtime. sweating in the sweet cool air that was a gentle invitation to autumn, ready to run the mile or so.

maybe i could ask someone and just pound the slips of sidewalk and street crossings in my adidas if i could get directions. maybe i could run to the hotel and beg my boss for some cash. maybe i could flag down someone in a stupid car and explain to them that i had to see wilco...

i flagged a cab instead, desperately asking if he took credit cards.

he explained in strained english that yeah, sure he did, but it was only two miles away and it took time to process and i hollered that i'd tip him good, just take me!

and slid onto vinyl backseat, making small talk as the meter clicked numbers skyward and looked at the witty paper in my hands (it really is impressive) and squinted at the date, at the day.

friday, 10/1.

today is wednesday, 9/1.

----

fruck. uh, i just realized something. can we turn around?

he took me back to my hotel, and only charged me half-price for the fare.

and so here i sit, in the strange post-adrenaline state of wilcolessness, happy to be here still, liking what i've seen of the town (i think i'm right where jus went to school) and looking fwd to seeing hooly and branban and crashing in the strange bed with the many comfy pillows....

2004-08-30T19:41:00.000-05:00

you registered to vote?

i was deputized last thursday to register people. i'll have the cards handy; you can expect your voter registration card in the mail within thirty (nonbusiness) days of filling it out!

----

listening to the NPR coverage of the republican national convention. apparently the television networks aren't covering this at all.

2004-08-29T18:20:00.000-05:00

i can't stop.

2004-08-27T05:37:00.000-05:00

they look sweet, but after thirty minutes of manning the stand with no customers (several neighbors drove by -- the kids jumped up and down screaming "juice and water!" at the drivers we could just make out talking on cell phones behind the dark tinted glass of their mercedes and jaguars and lexi) they got a little cranky. their 16-year-old neighbor came by just as we were about to close up shop and paid about $4 in change for some kool-aid in a blue plastic cup. (she tips well!)

this left us just enough time for quick baths, a couple rounds of hide and seek, books and storytelling and back scratches before bed.

----

i was reading articles on narnia in the den (it's in the same wing of the house as the kids' rooms) when chase woke up scared. he's really concerned that someone is going to break into their house and hurt his parents, and while he's certain that he could protect his family with his martial arts skills, what if he had a gun?

we talked about his safety (he was concerned that the house alarm isn't turned on when i'm there), i offered to close the front gates, explaining how unlikely it is that a robber would climb over the gate and steal some stuff -- can you see someone trying to get your mom and dad's tv over that ten foot wall?

oh, but shnn -- we have a lot of money here.
i looked at him puzzled. you do?

yes -- my dad has a hundred dollar bill in his wallet

and i hugged him and reassured him that he was safe. we talked about banks and how much money they have (do you mean they have stacks of hundred dollar bills?? do they have gold in there?) and police and why people steal from others.

and then he asked me
what would i do if i was on a street alone, just me, and a bad guy with a gun grabbed me and said he would hurt me if i didn't take him to my parents?
chase started to cry. what would i do?

i tried to stress how unlikely that situation is to occur, but that it was an interesting, frightening question to ask oneself. and i asked if he'd shared these concerns with his parents.

he promised that he would tomorrow.

----

2004-08-23T20:34:00.000-05:00

cooking chili, watching bjork videos and struggling with internet access at my house. i'm currently online periodically thanks to one of my neighbors' wifi.

i blogged in word a little on my vacation, before a tree limb smashed into my car, mom's neighbor made me uncomfortable and beringer and i hightailed it back to dallas.

so, uh, here you go:

Tuesday evening, after 10PM

I got in tonight and realized that I had nothing to eat (mom’s freezer is filled with meat and ice) -- so after I got beringer settled in I traversed the expanse of Onalaska Bridge and miles of road to the super wal-mart so I could purchase a bell pepper and some whole wheat pasta (which they had!) to make spaghetti with the ingredients I brought along.

unfortunately, their dvd selection did little to rival mom’s AND they had not a single inflatable raft. I’m uncertain where I’m going to go to obtain one (I may hit one of the convenience stores, the bright gas pumps and signs and lights interrupting the waves of sloped ground and conifer trees -- see if they have a lead -- else I’m heading Huntsvilleward)….

I got a little freaked in the store. bad lighting, garish over-advertising, teenagers congregating (hey, everyone’s at wal-mart!) -- it’s the place to go to. how is it that Wal-Mart has co-opted the rural life? it’s so damn pretty here. why don’t they meet at the dam or the waters’ edge somewhere? in someone’s backyard, the trees and hills around?

somehow wal-mart has convinced people that socialization has something to do with spending money.

I realize that it wasn’t long ago that I lived in a small town and went to the walmart or winn Dixie to socialize. how narrowly I escaped an existence that consists of that…

off to read a bit, mr cat tucked into the corner of the loveseat nearby.

Wednesday morning, 8:17AM

Last night, when the a/c clicked off I could hear the gentle lap of water against the bulkhead outside, punctuated now and then by the sound of a car swooshing around the bend of two-lane road at 70+MPH. The traffic sound was somehow comforting -- it reminded me of home. I don’t mind living near I-30 at all, especially when it’s rained and the travel sounds are magnified by constant displacement of water.

Beringer has discovered the squirrels outside.

About to dive into some writing as I anticipate this afternoon’s sun.

9:30AM
I can’t believe how nice it is out. I’m sitting on the shaded deck this morning. I just spotted a turtle out in the water. beringer is slowly exploring the deck. soon he’ll go beneath it and I’ll begin to worry and attempt to woo him back up. (maybe mom’s abundant meat will come in handy!).

Thursday morn, 8:52AM

Yesterday a big storm came through.

Friday morn, 4:18AM

Can’t sleep. Listening to Leonard Cohen and playing with beringer.

Past the deck, across the lake, storms strike the sky with periodic flashes of light. Occasionally torrents of droplets pelt the house, the picnic table, the porch swing, the trees, my car.

this vacation isn’t without its casualties.

the afternoon storm delighted me with the thundering patter of raindrops on the house’s front windows, the lake temporarily an ocean, waves breaking on the deck.

during the course of nature’s display of power and beauty, a branch from the pine tree out front cracked loose and tumbled windward right into the hatch of my Honda insight.

little pieces of green breakaway glass with black defrost lines littered the ground, collapsed into the back of my car.

thank the lord for the asshole licentious neighbor with a shop vac and duct tape.

-----
---

the best part of the week: the mornings.
beringer and I woke up around 7:30. I fixed some tea and we went out on the porch, alone and happy in the quiet of the morning. I’d drag out my laptop and write until the battery gave out. I’d like to work that into my regular schedule -- waking early and writing. I should try the courtyard downstairs.

--

the spiders here are tiny and white, and they build their webs with astonishing speed. I disrupted one’s web to sit in my customary morning seat and she’s spinning a new one like crazy.

2004-08-21T10:48:00.000-05:00

2004-08-15T21:58:00.000-05:00

butterfly crawl

i spent the evening with the squires children yesterday. during the course of the evening's play, i mistook one of their swim strokes as the "butterfly crawl." and, no kidding, just then two incredible butterflies fluttered across the pool's expanse, settling on one of the open orange flowers in the poolside planter.

the yelling, splashing and laughing subsided, slipping into the hush of the trickling water sounds as we watched.

chase looked at me, electric blue goggles a crown on his head.

did we make that happen?

and then annika laughed and loud outside-voice-hollered butterfly crawl?....

and the joyful exuberant play commenced,

a sacred moment bookended by laughter, fun and reunion.

2004-08-13T18:39:00.000-05:00

inspired this evening.

the cats are playful.
berkley just fell off the bed.
the plant i bought last week has

doubled in size.

it's time for repotting, but

now that i've sat down with the intention of writing, it's time for
procrastination's end.

2004-08-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

i'm still immersed in made in america.

ostensibly the book is about the etymology of american english (language is always a topic of interest for me), but this really just sets the stage for a witty, brilliantly written (hodgepodge) history of the united states. a quick skim over the first few paragraphs incensed some friends to demand that i immediately loan them the book -- it's that good.

--

i often imagine future imprints for our publishing company. i would love to do a series of textbooks written by authors like bryson -- history delivered as a string of stories, written with wit and humor. do away with didactic course text!

--

just a quick thought. time to go make some books.

2004-08-11T22:25:00.000-05:00

changing from nothing to one

2004-08-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

dan sent this link yesterday.

it immediately made me think of an incident that took place in the burger king parking lot one freezing night in december.

it was finals week, and i'd gone for some food around two in the morning (this was pre-veggie, so i likely ordered a whopper jr with french fries and a coke). a man stood at the drive-thru entrance, and waved at me as i approached. despite the cold, i had the window down (for smoke redirection purposes).

so i was a little nervous (mom instilled in me a fear of strangers in deserted dark parking lots) but i prepared to give him some change. turns out he wasn't asking for money -- he just wanted a hamburger and they wouldn't let anyone order via the drive-thru on foot. he tucked a crumpled wad of ones in my hand and asked me to get him a #7 with a sprite, which i happily did.

thing is, as i gave him his change and the bag of food, he thanked me profusely and said "you know, i can tell you're a christian."

i hesitated for a second, and then nodded and smiled, probably told him to stay warm, etc.

and for the first time in the infancy of my agnosticism i didn't resent it when someone used "god bless!" as a farewell.

----

see, what he meant when he used those words was not what they'd come to mean to me. what they meant to the christian groups on campus, what they meant to my family.

i didn't know it at the time, but he was right. (i had a good few years of bitterness to work through before i could properly respect what jesus had to say). when he said i was a christian, he was not suggesting that i was "saved by the blood of the lamb", that i was heaven-bound, etc. he wasn't talking about a state of being... rather it had something to do with doing.

it's an understanding of the concept that i don't see in play too much. (in my experience, congregations are seldom encouraged to give unless there's a new fellowship hall to build or they're being guilt-tripped into tithing).

i'm talking of a christianity that i respect. the kind that my dad does (all of his work raising money for "missions" makes more sense right now as i think of it. or his volunteering to take mentally ill people to church every week (think children's bus ministry, but it's a ton of crazy adults packed into dad's minivan)... you know, or him taking homeless people into his home even though they tended to steal from him.)

i guess the distinction between christian and... well, not christian really isn't important for me*. it's more about the kind of person someone is -- the way they live out the life that's been mysteriously given to them. i privilege compassion, love, charity, ethics, honesty (both with the self and with others), faith, chance-taking, communication, forgiveness, sincerity... if someone can live these ideals, it matters not which sky-king they believe in.

one of the reasons brandon is my favorite person is that he exhibits an incredible gentleness towards the world and himself. even as people deal out pain, he responds in love.

----

apparently that burger king parking lot is a hotbed of religious conversation.

my freshman year a friend and i went on a post-party taco bell/burger king run (him being the most sober of our group and needing a friend to accompany him). somehow the topic of whether or not we would ever "date" (i'm not sure what the couplings that tended to occur in college should be called) came up. i remember telling him quite simply that that wasn't an option, since he was an atheist. and he responded similarly, saying that my christianity was definitely problematic.

hm.

his response confused me. i wish i'd asked about it at the time. i'd been conditioned to consider no unchristian suitors (the verse about being "unequally yoked" was given as evidence) -- but why would he respond as such? did he worry that said girlfriend would proselytize and make his life hell? did he fear being pressured into attending a boring sunday service in an over-air conditioned sanctuary? was he bitter and avoiding all things xian as i was soon to be?

it's strange, because a good few years later, he seriously dated a woman named cathy. (i remember waking up after a night of crazy partying at the ftp, eyes squinting at the bright light while i sat on the porch swing and lit the day's first cigarette. she breezed through the front door, across the porch and front lawn to her car in a blue dress.)

(hungover confusion)where are you going?
(a pause and a smile)to church!

----

*i actually think this distinction serves little purpose... it implies a binary of "those with faith and those with none". it's one of the reasons i stopped using the word atheist to refer to myself. it allows for a too narrow interpretation of myself (and plays right into the hands of others' easy binary-based understanding of faith and life (e.g. "christian vs not") -- where i fall into the "not" category, forcing me to describe myself in relation to them. to their faith.)

one of the highlights of the emergent convention is my discovery of some language that better describes what i believe. it's one of the gifts that caputo has given me through his writings and lectures.

i'm finding that more and more there are aspects of my life that are difficult to label or describe in one conversation. my faith. my tattoo. my relationships.

i think that's a good thing. i'd rather be dealing with the tough, complex things. i'd rather live the indescribable.

2004-08-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

2004-08-04T15:30:00.000-05:00

'Dead zone' spreads across Gulf of Mexico

Some American farmers who live in the south use nitrate-based fertilizers. These fertilizers end up in the Mississippi River, which runs right down to the gulf. The aquatic plants are subsequently affected, functionally changing the ecosystem (creating a "dead zone" that is uninhabitable by fish... or sharks.)

Humans only seem to give a shit when these changes drive sharks to the gulf coast, where they occasionally bite people.

2004-07-30T18:37:00.000-05:00

i just lost a really long blog post. fuck.

2004-07-29T19:00:00.000-05:00

happy birthday kelli!

2004-07-29T05:47:00.000-05:00

i was wondering earlier where all the ladybugs go when it rains like this. i'm still not sure, but it seems that several mosquitoes (or maybe just a really freaking persistent one) have taken up residence in my loft tonight. i've been bitten at least five times, probably more.

this is not a lot of fun. i really wish i could sleep.

2004-07-28T18:46:00.000-05:00

working late with leah, thunder punctuating the pattering of rain as we sing with damien rice and engage in the making of books.

there's something solemn, and joyous, and sacred in these moments.

i'm honored to be inhabiting them.

2004-07-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

the thing about working on a sunday is that you have no interns to do the less desirable tasks, such as putting the numbers in a 3000+ word index.

Ctrl+C
Alt+Tab
Ctrl+F
Ctrl+V
(Hit enter as many times as necessary), scribble down the applicable page numbers
Alt+Tab

Repeat 3000 fucking times!!

that's what i'm up to on this beautiful sunday morning.

2004-07-23T16:05:00.000-05:00

At BEA this year they gave out bright yellow bags sporting this image to promote the October book.

i was unsettled by the whole thing (i mean, wtf?), but everyone seemed to find it funny. i saw more screaming-yellow canvas bags than anything else at the whole expo. (the insane amount of books available for free creates a need for transporting them, and companies provide an abundance of differently-sized and colored bags -- all conveniently stamped with a company logo or book title. fuck. i guess it worked. there's no way i'd have been aware of this book without that gimmick. goramit.)

i even stole a couple of bags for rue10 and boothead from the stingy publisher's booth.

but seriously: why did everyone chuckle, from our authors (sans the choice editor, of course) to our staff and others in our distributor's booth?

i didn't know how to communicate my misgivings without coming off as the cliched hippie liberal (i prefer hipster, of course), oversensitive, etc.

i'm thinking that i need to stop worrying how others perceive my heartfelt gut reactions.

how comfortable are we with products that say "girls are stupid; beat them with bats!" or "children are stupid; throw heavy objects at them!"

what makes this product-selling catch phrase (the book was inspired by a slew of kitsch grrrl-power merchandise sporting phrases like "boys have cooties!") funny to everyone in a way that it simply wouldn't be if you substituted the noun "boys" with anything other than "men"?

i realize that my opinion is a little late (just google the book title to see the humdrum that's gone back and forth on this shit).

i'm not concerned with the negative effects on our culture or anything (lord knows american culture has and continues to weather(ed) all kinds of shit -- good, bad and that lovely space of what's in between). i'm more concerned with how it implies our culture's shared definitions of gender, specifically pre-adolescent gender identity -- that there seems to be a community consensus on what's acceptable and what's not.

why is that? why is it a fun joke to wear a shirt depicting violence towards a little cartoon boy and not a little cartoon girl?

just some thoughts.

back to work.

----addendum----

shouldn't the book title have a semi-colon instead of a comma? maybe there's a book title exception that i don't know about.

2004-07-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

one thing i miss about living in the residence halls at smu was the abundance of theater majors and hipsters. within those walls (and across quads of buildings) there lived a gaggle of wardrobe specialists (i lived with an incredible seamstress for two years), makeup artists and hair stylists -- all with makeup, clothing and advice to spare.

i was absently thinking how nice it would be to have a streak or two of pink (or blue) in my hair today. there's no way in hell i'm shelling out the dough to have someone do it at t&g. hmm. maybe joshua and kristen could help me?

i'd settle for being able to apply black eyeliner the way jennifer did before we went out one night. it was so drastic (and amazing!) that freaking *everyone* noticed. that woman is so incredible.

2004-07-23T14:12:00.000-05:00

this week (and most of next) our publisher and associate editor are both out of town. they both had automatic away messages set up, which somehow got triggered into an endless loop -- glenn and leah telling each other over and over that they're out of the office....

no wonder he called all frantic this morning looking for our host's password :)

2004-07-23T13:58:00.000-05:00

help! i'm a metrosexual trapped in a woman's body!